Foul Mouthed Parrot

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The Assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up,"I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and Squawks at the woman

"F*ck me, a f*cking new brothel and a f*cking New madam".

"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new f*cking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home."

"Well f*ck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new f*cking whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?" says the parrot.

Study of Female Desire

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his a*se while he is on fire.

Yet Another Blonde Joke

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs. One night, while doing a show in a small town in Arkansas, with his dummy on his knee, he started spouting his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stood on her chair and started shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women this way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with his or her worth? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work, and from reaching our full potential as human beings. It's you and your kind who continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize to her, when the blonde yelled, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smartass sitting on your knee!"

A Bunch of Silly Jokes

So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"


Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"


"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"


Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!


What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.


A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '


"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up,and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said
'You are.'"


"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the
local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where
you're calling from.'"


"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip
outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'


So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And
then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said
'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman
came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said
'I careered off the road.'


Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one
I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the
dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'


Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
"your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"


Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the
other "Does this taste funny to you?"


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
drinking battery acid, the other was eating
fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.


"You know, somebody actually complimented me
on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it
said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."


A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't
seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"


A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt
my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"


I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.


My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what
can you expect from a cross-breed.


I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.


I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a
month for the next 2 years

Husband Shopping Centre

WHICH FLOOR WOULD YOU GET OFF AT?

Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow!" Said the women, "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us "further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f*****g impossible to please."

Traffic Cop

I went to the shop the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So, I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

With thanks to SafeTinspector for this one

You Know You're a Mum When...

In honour of the fact that today is Mother's Day


You Know You're A Mom When...

Your feet stick to strawberry jam on the kitchen floor... and you don't care.

When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

Popsicles become a food staple.

Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spillyour guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

Your kid throws up and you catch it.

You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.

You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

You're up each night until 11 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping,washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking,driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting children to bed, dragging them out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, NOT you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls,rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping-rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog.

You get up at5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

Letter to Bank

A letter I'm sure many of us would like to send:

Below is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement that, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for the dexterity in seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded faceless entity that your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, at this juncture and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his must countersign all copies of his or her medical history/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which s/he must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorised Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry the contact will then be put on hold pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client,

Banking Customer

Letter to God

Little Timmy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Timmy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Timmy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Timmy, of course, thought he did.

Timmy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Timmy to reflect on his behaviour over the last year. “Go to your room, Timmy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your Birthday."

Little Timmy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1:
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Timmy

Timmy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2:
Dear God, This is your friend, Timmy. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend, Timmy

Timmy knew that this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3:
Dear God, I have been an "OK"! Boy this year. I still would really like a red bike for my birthday. Timmy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Timmy wrote another letter.

Letter 4:
God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Timmy

Timmy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Timmy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his Mom that he wanted to go to church. Timmy's mother thought her plan had worked as Timmy looked very sad.

Timmy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Timmy went in to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Timmy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with piece of paper and a pen. Timmy began to write his Letter to God.

Letter 5:
God, I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

Genie of the IRS

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand, several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket, and a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for that old chestnut!," says the man. "I'm not going to trust a tax inspector!"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "Ok, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

* P O O F *
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Ok, kid, what's your second wish?""

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

* P O O F *
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare Gold coins and precious gems.

"Ok, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

* P O O F * He is turned into a tampon.

And the moral of the story?...............

If the Inland Revenue offers you anything, there must be a string attached.