Bumper sticker

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

If adverts told the truth (pt 2)

Need a Push

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it ?" asks his wife. "Just a drunken stranger asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I didn't! It's three in the morning and raining like hell out there!"

"Well you've got a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and two blokes helped us. I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, goes out into the pounding rain, and calls out into the dark, " Hello, you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push," calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on on the swing," the drunk replies.

Helpdesk

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...


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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.

Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...

Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ....


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Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to

the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?


--------------------------------------------

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!


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Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


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Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?

Customer: No.


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Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.


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Helpdesk: And now hit F8.

Customer: It's not working.

Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?

Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...


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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!


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Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


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A customer couldn't get on the internet.

Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.


--------------------------

Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!


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Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?

Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?

Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?

Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?


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Helpdesk: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

Classes for men!

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS- Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?- Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR - Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?- Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY: - Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS -starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?- Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH- PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST- Real life testimonial from the one man who did.

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? - Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER- Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION- Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE- Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME- Individual counsellors available

Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering,what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

As I've Matured...

As I've Matured...

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Strange and Funny Signs...

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door:"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumbers truck:"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumbers truck:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza Shop Slogan:"Seven days without pizza makes one weak."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's office:"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:"Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence:"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:"Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:"Tank heaven for little grills."

Gifts of Success

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said: "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said: "I had a hundred thousand pound theatre built in the house"

The third said: "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said: "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute £100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mum sent out her thank you notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious - thank you."

Crime Prevention T-Shirt