Sporting Classics

"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria... I saw her snatch this morning and it was magnificent" (Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother" (Ted Walsh –Horse Racing Commentator)

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him" (NZ rugby commentator)

"The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!" (Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston Bennett)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francombe)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better" (Ron Atkinson)

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it you can see it all over their faces" (Ron Atkinson)

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew" (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

"Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres" (David Coleman)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" (Metro Radio)

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be adraw" (Ron Atkinson)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer" (David Acfield)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)

"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing the world his class" (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?" (Anonymous US TV commentator)

The Horse and the Chicken

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then
drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Mental Stability

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able ~to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

I am Flunky Daiperbrain

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. And let's face it, few of us will not have had a stressful few days this week.

Here is your dose ... Follow the instructions to find your funny name. The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names.

Lest we take ourselves too seriously, take a moment to find your new name and wear it with humor for the day ...

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name:

a = stinky
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = poopsie
k = flunky
l = booger
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = falafel
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your NEW last name:

a = diaper
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = bubble
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = burger
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your NEW last name:

a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts.
Go figure. Clinton's new name is Booger Liverchunks.

To spread the fun, work out your friend's names and send it on to them

Rules For Men

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

Getting Into Heaven

This is the last of my Christmas jokes, so I thought I'd time it so that I left my favourite for today...


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter replied.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

Remembering Why Christmas Is Celebrated

A woman was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, this woman finally made it out of the store and to the elevator with her two kids.

She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year: Overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sends us a card. Not to mention, getting the kids everything they ask for.

Finally the elevator doors opened - there was already a crowd in the car. This woman pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her, along with all her bags of stuff.

When the doors closed, she let out a big sigh and decided she couldn't take it anymore, saying out loud, to no one in particular, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be arrested and strung up!"

From the back of the elevator, a quiet calm voice responded, "Don't worry ma'am, I believe they crucified Him."

12 Days of Christmas

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 14

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes

-------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 15

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes

-------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 16

Dearest John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,

Agnes

-------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 17

Dearest John:

Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?

Affectionately,

Agnes

-------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 18

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

Love,

Agnes

-------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 19

Dear John:

When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

-------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 20

John:

What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds!

Sincerely,

Agnes

-------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 21

OK Buster!

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.

Just lay off me, smartass!

Agnes

-------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 22

Hey Shithead:

What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!

You'll get yours!

Agnes

-------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 23

You Rotten Prick!

Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm siccing the police on you.

One who means it!!

-------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 24

Listen Fuckhead:

What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

-------------------

Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Ill.
December 25

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Bender & Cajole

Christmas stamps

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas card envelopes.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 70 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 8 Catholic, 12 Episcopalian, 8 Methodist, 9 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Xmas Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

-------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

-------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange; no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

-------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet . And pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other; Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed!

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest that those people with high blood pressure taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics - sorry, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

-------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F***ing Employees

RE: The F***ing Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.

I've heard them scream.

I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

-------------------------

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Christmas with Louise

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.


Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her.

'Twas the night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile,
The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

Christmas Cop

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When....

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

6. You strike a match and light your nose.

7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.

13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

Ho Ho Ho!

Santa jumps down the chimney of this house and begins putting the gifts under the tree. Sensing that someone is watching him, Santa turns around to find the lady of the house coming towards him in a scanty negligee`.

She moves towards him, putting her arms around his neck and moving close. She
asks, "Santa, won't you stay awhile?"

Santa says, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta get the toys to the kids, ya know!"

The lady then begins nibbling on Santa's ear and running her hands up and down his back, saying, "Santa, you sure you got to go?"

He says again, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the toys to the kids, ya know!"

Stepping away from him, this beatiful lady removes the lingerie and standing naked in front of him she pleads, "Santa, please stay awhile."

He says,"HEY, HEY, HEY, Guess I'll stay, I can't get up the chimney with my dick
THIS way!!!!"

Top of the Tree

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the
house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had
eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

It must be great being a man...

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

You can open all your own jars.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky.

Same work...more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can do your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, December 24th, in 45 minutes.

The world is your urinal

Dog Christmases

I'm off to a foreign climate for the best part of a week, so I've left you half a dozen festive images to be getting on with!

Meltdown

Rudolph's Satisfaction

Emergency Stop

Mistletoe

Whip Me

Alcohol Consumption- FDA Warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear

Assertive Pensioner

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice " I have a gun and 1 know how to use it! Get out of the car you scum bags"

The four men did not want a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get in the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where four white males were reporting a car hijacking by a mad elderly women described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed

Hotel Soap

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London
hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to
the London Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the
six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and
another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,

S. Berman

-------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from Her
day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top
of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

-------------------------------------------

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, found you had
added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to
be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size
Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove
them.

S. Berman

-------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I
have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies
for any past inconvenience.

If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it
my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

--------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only
asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about! those little Bars of
soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in
today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet,
along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf. In just 5
days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing
this to me?

S. Berman

-------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call
extension 1108 between 8 PM and 5PM.

Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from
my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last
night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap! each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the
inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder

Assistant Manager

------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last Night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I
want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise I have
54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

-----------! ---------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then
you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I
personally returned them The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4
Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.

I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial
Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your
room.

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

--------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As
of today I possess:

On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2 .

On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4
have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in
use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather
which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.

S. Berman

Sex Quotes

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
Tom Clancy

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Drew Carey

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
Woody Allen

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Unknown

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Woody Allen

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
George Burns

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
Matt Barry

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
Camille Paglia

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
Henry Miller

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."
Lynn Lavner

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
P. J. ORourke

Community Networker

Anyone who has had anything to do with community groups will identify with this one!


JOB DESCRIPTION
We are seeking an experienced networker to join our high tech task force out there in cyberspace.
You will be able to work as part of a virtual team and be supplied with a virtual budget, a virtual desk and a virtual phone.
You will be able to work on your own initiative and invent things to do.
We expect you to spend the majority of your time linking in with other networks and needlessly filling in other people's e-mail in-trays with your useless suggestions and half baked schemes.

SKILLS AND ABILITIES
1. High levels of enthusiasm matched with low levels of frustration
2. Good overview of IT and where it can go
3. Low expectations of actually getting there
4. Ability to discuss the same plans endlessly
5. Ability to take full force kicks in the teeth
6. Healthy scepticism about the digital inclusion "agenda"

SALARY - paid through barter with other community networks
HOURS OF WORK - between browsing episodes
CONTACTS - the world and his aunty
REPORTING TO - anyone that will listen
SPECIAL CONDITIONS - Bring your own coffee

Bitter Wedding

Below is an apparently true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming (many from long distances), to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair including the wedding party was a manila envelope. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told them all to open the envelopes.

Inside each envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had got suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Screw you,". Then he turned to the bride and said "Screw you." Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing the following Monday.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge?
Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.
This is his world; we just live in it.

Blame it On The Dog

This is the 100th Joke Mail posting. I thought I'd celebrate by putting up another of my all time favourites!


A man and his wife have their high society friends round for dinner. They are all sitting at the table, when the man uncontrollably breaks wind, and a foul odour rises up and spreads through the room.

"Rover!" shouts his wife, "Get out from under the table!"

The man inwardly lets out a sigh or relief. "Thank God she's blamed the dog," he thinks. "I'd better make sure he stays there in case I let out another". And with that, the man slips Rover a piece of meat from his plate.

However, before the main course is finished, the man lets out another ripper.

"ROVER!" yells the wife, "Get out of there right now!"

Smiling to himself, the man slips the dog another piece of meat.

As they all begin to tuck into desert, the man feels a huge one building up, but feeling the dog sitting at his ankles, he doesn't hold back and the most tremendous fart is let loose.

"ROVER!" screams the wife, "Get out from under there before he shits on you!"

Expensive Parrots

A man walks into a pet shop to buy a parrot and asks the owner what he has.

"This one here is rather special - he costs £10,000" says the shopkeeper.

"Ten grand for a parrot??!!! What's so special about him?"

"Well," replies the shopkeeper, "he doesn't just repeat words, he can hold conversations about philosophy and psychology!"

The man decides to check this out and is surprised to find himself having a decent chat about existentialism with the parrot. "Amazing", he says, "have you any others?"

"Well this one here is £20,000" says the shopkeeper as he produces a 2nd parrot.

"Twice the price? What does this one do?" asks the man.

"This one is not only a good conversationalist, but is fluent in French, German and Spanish too" replies the shopkeeper.

"Blimey," exclaims the man, "What about this one over here?"

"£50,000!"

"My God! What does this parrot do?"

"Well, not a lot as far as I can tell," explains the shopkeeper, "but the other two call him 'Master'"

Miracle Diet

Diet People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets or quit after 3 days.

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most 2 year olds are trim. Now, the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards.

Good Luck!!!

DAY ONE
Breakfast: 1 scrambled egg, 1 piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg using your fingers, dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: 4 crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, 1 glass of milk (3 sips only, spill the rest).
Dinner: 1 dry stick, 2 pennies, 1 nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO:
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink 1/2 bottle of vanilla extract or 1 vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: 1/2 tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). 1 ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop it in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes, eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE:
Breakfast: 2 pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat 1 with fingers, rub in hair.

Glass of milk, drink 1/2, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on cushion of best chair.

Lunch: 3 matches, peanut butter & jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.

Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add 1/2 cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: 1 glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Sniffer Dog

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy."

He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place.

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the bloody hell is going on?"

The handler nervously replies "He just found a bomb!

The Rules For Men Explained

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed .....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows .... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets ....-1
You leave the toilet seat up ....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when empty ...0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex ....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom ....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings ....+5
in the snow ....+8
but return with beer ....-5
and no liners ....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing .... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something ....+5
You pummel it with a six iron ....+10
It's her cat ....-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party ...0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy ....-2
Named Tiffany ....-4
Tiffany is a dancer ....-10
With breast implants ....-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday ...0
You buy a card and flowers ....0
You take her out to dinner .... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar .....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar .....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night ....-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team ....-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal ....0
The pal is happily married .....+1
The pal is single ....-7
He drives a Ferrari ....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED) ...-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie ....+2
You take her to a movie she likes ....+4
You take her to a movie you hate ....+6
You take her to a movie you like ....-2
It's called Death Cop 3 ....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly ....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it .....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts .....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." ....-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding .....-10
You reply, "Where?" .....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass" .....-100
Any other response ....-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression ....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes .....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience ....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?"....-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV ....+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep ....-200

The Super Rooster

An Alabama chicken farmer has a real problem, the flock is not producing. So his buddy sends him to Super Rooster Corp

"These birds, says the salesman, will solve all yer problems, genetically modified."

So the bird gets delivered and released into the hen house. Thereafter the noise is louder than the Superbowl, feathers clucking an all.

The farmer keeps watch from a safe distance. One day doing his rounds he sees a hole in the henhouse, then amazed: watches the Rooster chasing ducks around the pond. Later that afternoon all the ganders are dashing with the rooster in pursuit.

A week passes by, the ducks chickens and geese are getting some peace, in spite of Two Apache helicopters flying about.

After testing his new spotting scope, Jed the farmer jumps into his pickup on seeing a familiar shape out in the field.

The rooster is flat on his back, motionless, beak in the dirt.

"Well boy looks like you done yerself t' death."

A squinting eye opens. "Nope m just waiting fer them two critters to land!"

Young Moses

Wrong Address

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in.

Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your
arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

Darwin stupidity

Click on the image to read a larger version. It really is worth it!
It just gets funnier and funnier as it goes on.

Do we need Broadband?

90 year old father?

After marrying a sweet young woman, a 90 year old geezer told his doctor
that they were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."

"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly," replied the doctor.

Surgery.com

Not Shareware

Who said chauvanism was dead?

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? -- 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? -- 45 mins.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? -- Sexual Harassment

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? -- $3.99 a minute.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead? -- The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? -- Humpme Dumpme.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? -- Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What have men and floor tiles got in common? -- If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? -- Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex? -- A padded headboard.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? - after a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? -- The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? -- The woman who ate the last donut.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? -- A battery hasa positive side.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts? -- The blonde, because she's 18.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? -- When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? -- Two mothers-in-law.

Flight Simulator

Updated Shakespeare

Astrological light-bulb changing

How many members of your star sign does it take to change a light bulb?

ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one millionth.

LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....

PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?

Teenage communication

Integrated communications

The Legless Parrot (one of my all-time favourite jokes)

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot.” I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag.” Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

Rivalry

Better than Viagra?

A woman went to see her doctor complaining that her husband was inadequate in bed. Rare was the time that they made love and even then it lacked passion. The doctor gave her a tablet to give to him, explaining that it was much stronger than Viagra and that if this didn't get results, nothing would.

A week later the woman returned to the doctor, who asked how it had gone.

"Oh doctor," she replied "it was awful."

"Awful? Was the sex awful?" asked the surprised doctor

"No, the sex was great, but it was awful"
"I don't understand," said the doctor, "Tell me exactly what happened"

"Well," explained the woman "we were having dinner, and when he nipped off to the bathroom, I slipped the tablet into his coffee"

"What happened next?" asked the doctor.

"He drank his coffee, then suddenly he swept everything on to the floor, grabbed me and made furious and passionate love to me right there on the table!"

"What was so terrible about that?" questioned the doctor.

"We'll never be able to show our faces in MacDonalds again" wept the woman.

What every young man learns from porno films

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 secs is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding fine.
10. All women are noisy roots.
11. People in the 70's couldn't root unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patients’ cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend finds you screwing her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before rooting the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman’s butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

Useless facts

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched".

On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5.00 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only 4 words in the English language which end in "dous" -- tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture.

The characters Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this at work!)

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. (Presbyterian).

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starve to death.

A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than by plane crashes.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump".

Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes on one foot.

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.

"typewriter" is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

The word "racecar" and "kayak" are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

A snail can sleep for 3 years.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist. (Does that one really surprise any of us?)

Vatican City is the smallest country in the world with a size of 108.7 acres.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

No president of the United States was an only child.

And last and definitely most important: The average chocolate has 8 insects legs in it!

Blonde Joke

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Advice from Bill Gates

Less of a joke and more of a "Grumpy old man" tirade. However, some people find this kind of thing really funny
---------

Here's some advice Bill Gates once dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teaching has created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept sets them up for failure in the real world.

RULE 1
Life is not fair - get used to it.

RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.

RULE 6
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Tech Support

Here are some conversations which had actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't--"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to--"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word set-up disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No."

Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech Support: "Years of training..."

Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."

Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?"
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."

Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok... but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?"
Customer: "'Case Sensitive'."

Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."

Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff -- I just want a database!"

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Customer: "I have a long distance modem."

Customer: "I don't have a space bar."

Customer: "Do I have to hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

Thermodynamics of Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are; we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

Confucious says...

Some of these you have to read slowly.....

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget

Amazing Conclusion

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Life is...

When his .38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little peremptory hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down the other side, and found himself in the city prison.

In Bermuda in 1975 a man on a motor scooter was knocked down and killed by a taxi. Exactly a year earlier the same driver in the same taxi, carrying the same passenger, had knocked down and killed the motor-scooter rider's brother, on the same street, riding the same scooter.

An American tourist in South America had the decidedly grave misfortune to be attacked by Killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leaped into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.

A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leaped onto the shoulders of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The passer-by was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.

In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.

A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. understandably, he shot her dead.

After shooting and wounding his wife and young son, Louis Pillar of Rheims, France, told police that a three-week strike by television technicians was to blame. 'There was nothing to look at,' he explained, 'and I was bored.' Fortunately his wife did not seem to mind being shot at. From her hospital bed she said 'I don't blame my husband. It really was very boring in the evenings.'

Religious Truths

TAOISM:
Shit Happens.

BUDDHISM:
If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

HINDUISM:
This shit has happened before.

ISLAM:
If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

CATHOLICISM:
Shit happens because you deserve it.

JUDAISM:
Why does this shit always happen to us?

More options required...

Shoplifters will be...

Oh Deer Me

Copycat Pie Perv Burnt

Click on the image to get a larger, more easily readable version

Canadian Jokes

CANADIAN JOKE #1

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

CANADIAN JOKE #2

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure it's easy," replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently
beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

CANADIAN JOKE #3

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

CANADIAN JOKE #4

In Canada we have two seasons... six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

CANADIAN JOKE #5

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They preceded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT YOU BASTARD!!!"

CANADIAN JOKE #6

A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton, phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!"

Things I've learned from my children

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX (poor woman)


1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh', it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. (Neither do cats!)

20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It
will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight when
dizzy.